
Many years ago, my eldest daughter Julia was going out with a young man named Alex. They were both seniors in high school.
A month into the relationship, Alex came to pick her up for a date. I had not met Alex, and I greeted him at the door. We had the following “interview.”
Me: Alex, did you bring the application and supporting material?
Alex senses that something could be very wrong and goes into deer-in-headlights mode.
Me: Alex, I can tell by your expression that you did not bring the application and supporting material. This disappoints me. I am sure that you will bring them next time but let me explain the process.
As I am sure you know, I, as a father, have many roles. One of which is to ensure that my daughter hangs out with people of solid character, proper upbringing and who will contribute to, rather than detract from, progress. I am sure that you can appreciate this.
The application is not too bad. It has 20 questions, and it takes about 2 hours to complete. Plus, I will need a blood sample.
Based on your answers, and the blood test results, I am going to assign you a score. If you get a score of 70 to 100 you can continue to see Julia. If you get a score of 60 to 70 you can see her, but certain constraints will be applied. We can discuss those later. If you get below 60, I don’t ever want to see you again. You understand?
Alex: I think so.
Me: Good. You may be sharper than you look. Let me give you some sample questions so you know what to expect. Where were you born?
Alex: Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Me: Alex, I am sorry, that’s minus 15. Do you believe that aliens walk amongst us?
Alex: No:
Me: Wow. How can you not see them on the streets every day? That’s minus 10. Do you do any art?
Alex: No. But my mother does.
Me: I have a separate application and supporting material for your mother. But do you do any art?
Alex: No
Me: Alex, that’s minus 5. I am going to stop now. I have never had a kid this deep in the hole this early in the process and I don’t want to prejudice the outcome.
By now, Alex had figured out that I am harmless. Julia, who had joined us, was giving him facial expressions that largely consist of rolling her eyes (something that the adolescent female does very well and regularly).
My middle daughter Jessica was trying out for the high school tennis team. I told her that it would help her cause if she knew how to play tennis. She informed me that I was ill-informed.
Alex was the captain of the boy’s tennis team.
Alex: If I get Jessica on the tennis team, how many points do I get?
Me: Alex. I can work with you. I can see a long and productive relationship with you. After we review your application, and assuming you pass, I will give you a list of tasks and chores, e.g., mowing the lawn or washing my car, that you can do to get some extra points and avoid the constraints which you won’t like and neither will I.
Julia and Alex lasted another 2 months. Decades later, Alex and I are still friends