Becoming a Conspiracy Theorist March 3, 2025

I think I would be a good conspiracy theorist. I have a vivid imagination, and I am a pretty good writer and speaker. There are many people in this country who believe in conspiracy theories, so I could have a receptive group of followers. For example, eleven percent of adults believe in Bigfoot, 8% believe in the Loch Ness Monster and 28% of adults believe that aliens have visited us.

However, the bar is high for conspiracy theories. If I really want to compete with other theorists for followers, my conspiracy must be at least as good as the three theories below.

According to a British conspiracy theorist, tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system, now hiding in underground bases, are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy against humanity. The theory contends that most of the world’s ancient and modern leaders are related to these reptilians, including the Rothschilds, the Bush family and the British Royal family.

The Birds Aren’t Real conspiracy theory says that birds aren’t real, but rather they are surveillance drones made by the U.S. government. Birds Aren’t Real has a staff; it has organized protests; it bought billboards; and it emblazoned vans with their claim.

The Chemtrail Conspiracy Theory is the belief that long-lasting condensation trails left in the sky by high-flying aircraft are actually “chemtrails” consisting of chemical or biological agents, sprayed for nefarious purposes undisclosed to the general public. Those who subscribe to the theory speculate that the purpose of the chemical release may be weather modification, psychological manipulation, human population control, or testing of biological or chemical agents on the population.

Not only does the theory have to be very imaginative (which is not easy) my followers may not be as fine a set of folks as I’d like. I looked up psychology research that characterizes people who were susceptible to believing in conspiracy theories. You get analysis like the following:

The researchers also found that people with certain personality traits, such as a sense of antagonism toward others and high levels of paranoia, were more prone to believe conspiracy theories. Those who strongly believed in conspiracy theories were also more likely to be insecure, paranoid, emotionally volatile, impulsive, suspicious, withdrawn, manipulative, egocentric and eccentric.

Hmm. Not exactly the kinds of people I want as followers. But if they buy lots of my merchandise, I am good.

My next step is to take a course in Conspiracy Theory. I can get a Conspiracy Theory Diploma from the Centre of Excellence (never heard of them). The course costs $37.99 and 770 people have taken the course. The syllabus is below.

The last two modules are probably where we learn that birds really are drones.